Difficult to predict key events in 2016; well, maybe not so hard after all

Monday, December 28, 2015 - 9:02pm By Ed Martin, The Leader Editor

It is of course that time of the year, when we begin to reflect on the past year and wonder what’s in store for us as we wander into the new year. We of course will be bombarded by hundreds of articles and columns by noted journalists, and maybe a few comedians looking for a quick laugh, that will vainly attempt to entertain or enlighten us with carefully researched – or maybe not – predictions for the future.

Most if not all predictions are fairly lame, as will no doubt be the following list I plan to unveil to my extensive fan base (I hope mom likes it) that will either cause the reader to politely chuckle at my questionable since of humor, or cause the reader to quickly doze off.

Not surprisingly I’m beginning to doze off - as is my computer.

My predictions, humble may they be:

Presidential candidate and expert on all things worldly, Donald Trump, will finally be forced to withdraw from the Republican race for president when it’s revealed that he never really had a clue about masonry.

Ted Cruz will win the Republican presidential nomination by default, and then lose the presidency in a landslide to Bernie Sanders and his running mate, Larry David.

Because he claims the title of the world’s greatest negotiator, Trump will convince the Lemoore City Council to pay him to buy the Lemoore Golf Course for $5 million.

Ted Cruz will shock the electorate when he actually says something true. Speaking of Cruz, isn’t he like the uncle you refuse to invite to Thanksgiving dinner?

Former West Hills College Lemoore President Don Warkentin will shock his friends and family when he decides to open up a tattoo parlor and cigar shop in downtown Lemoore in the old Odd Fellows building.

I will learn that all “Classics” are not necessarily a good read. I’ve been reading the king of the “Beat” generation Jack Kerouac’s “On the Road” for about 10 years and I’m barely a third of the way through. I did however finally finish “Green Eggs and Ham” in just three sittings.

It will be announced that Ryan Seacrest will host one of next year’s presidential debates, so make sure to text your votes in live. Guest moderators will be Jennifer Lopez, Justin Bieber, and Beatle’s legend Ringo Starr.

Bruce Jenner will be in the news again in 2016 when he reveals that he got upset over missing important dinner plans with Donald Trump, because Caitlyn took too long getting ready.

On April 1, 2016, local legend Sandy Salyer will fail to post on Facebook.

Justin Bieber will be named the new “Hans Solo” in the next installment of Star Wars, but will be quickly fired after a video pops up showing him urinating in Darth Vader’s helmet.

Confused Kings and Lemoore Lions Club members were found wandering the streets in November when they simply ran out of people to help.

It will be revealed that “Keeping up with the Kardashians” is nothing more than an elaborate social experiment, designed by famed primatologist and anthropologist Jane Goodall, proving the vast similarities between apes and humans.

Local legendary educator, politician and newspaper publisher and editor Ed Martin, will announce that he will never publish a New Year’s list of predictions again, unless he says, somebody actually reads this year’s list.

Difficult to predict key events in 2016; well, maybe not so hard after all

Opinion